The other night, I messed up - BIG time! As soon as the words left my mouth, I knew that I was wrong.
I'm learning that parenting is not as easy as some people tend to make it look. And man, like I shared in my previous blog regarding marriages, the past can really contribute to how you parent your kids. I want to be the best at it, you know?
I epically failed my kids when they were younger. I was so wrapped up in the dreams of a prestigious management title at a major convenience store, that I literally neglected everything. And then I would act like someone had just stabbed me in the heart when my sick or upset kid wanted daddy. Who was I kidding? I hadn't built a relationship with my kids of consolation, much less friendship. So why on earth would they seek after my attention when life was hard?
By the time I realized it, I had missed all of their major first milestones. I finally decided to put my priorities in order with our third and final child. But that didn't make things right with the oldest two.
So I've been striving.
When God shows you something, it's not to bring you pain.
Instead, He's showing you that if You'll allow Him, He wants to heal and restore. Over the past several years, I've surrendered myself to God, asking Him to show me what to fix, how to be more present, and how to love my kids like He loves me. I'm not perfect, but I'm trying.
Our Emilie is turning into a beautiful young lady. I couldn't be more proud of who she is, but I must say that restoring a relationship with her has probably been my biggest challenge. I don't want to just be her mom, I want to be her friend, and I want her to know that I'm one of her biggest fans in life.
She loves to twirl, and recently she's realized that she isn't just limited to batons. She was introduced to flag twirling, and it captivated her. It also helps that some of her friends are involved in flags at school, so she of course, true to teenage fashion, wants to be involved.
Understand this, I'm a stickler. I used to only let my kids do one thing, and then I increased it to two. Not only was I concerned with the cost, but man alive, being forced to work a full-time job doesn't help much on the busyness front. But here she was, asking to now be in three things - baton twirling, flute playing, and flag twirling.
I thought back to my own childhood, the one that limited me from doing anything unless it took place during school hours. The only exception was the band, merely because it was largely an in-school activity. Occasionally, my mom would have to take me to the school for evening or summer practices, but that was the extent of the activities I was allowed to really pursue.
I played the saxophone, and believe it or not, I had to help pay for that thing. My sister and I were assigned chores each week, and we'd earn $10 every two weeks. For the duration of the rent-to-own on my saxophone, I had to surrender $10 monthly to help cover the costs.
I hated the chores assigned! And I decided at an early age that my kids would not be assigned chores that would prevent them from enjoying childhood. Looking back now, it wasn't killing me, it was making me responsible - but I didn't see it that way.
So when confronted with Emilie's request to join yet another thing, one that would cost us more money, I asked one question.
What do you do to prove you're worthy?
It was like bitter poison rolling off my tongue, and her response pierced my heart. "Nothing, I guess I'm not worthy.", and she hung her head.
I immediately retracted my statement and apologized for what I had just said out of frustration.
Evenings at our house are a fiasco, with coming in late, having to make dinner, work on homework, clean house, do laundry, wash dishes -- you know, the usual both parents work full-time scenario. This night was exceptionally trying as she had just stayed after school for practice, which meant I had to rush out of work to pick her up, so that I could be at Caleb's school to get him from Extended Day. And we nearly missed the 6:00pm deadline for pick-up, so I was stressed to the max! But that was not an excuse for me not choosing my words a bit more carefully.
The intended question was, "Lately I've been feeling like I'm not getting much help around the house. Could you please tell me what you're doing to show appreciation for all of the things that dad and I financially support you to do?"
Yes, I'm that mom. If something needs done, please jump in and do it. No, I don't have a chore chart hanging on my wall that dictates what you can and cannot do based on what you've accomplished for ME. My kids know how to load, run, and unload a dishwasher. They can run a sweeper, and they know how to take out the trash. With the exception of Caleb, whose turn is coming, they can all wash, dry, and fold a load of laundry. But I had been feeling pretty overwhelmed as it seemed like everyone had forgot how to help.
Anyways, when I worded my question differently, the conversation took on a whole new meaning. It now gave Emilie something to think about, not in a way that belittled her, but in a self-evaluating kind of way.
My daughter is worthy. She's brave, she's beautiful, she's strong, and she deserves the finest things that life has to offer. She is humble, kind, and loving. And no, she doesn't take advantage of situations, and is probably the farthest thing away from being a spoiled brat.
I never want to be the one who makes her feel less than enough.
I don't have to prove that I'm worthy for God to lavish me with His love. He just does it because He loves me. Sure, He might ask me to do something along the way, but His love isn't conditional upon my performance.
You'll never hear God say, "Oh, I'm ignoring you because I think you're dumb." He'll never tell you that you're worthless, you're a failure, or tell you that you'll never amount to anything. His words will be soft, kind, and yes, even at times convicting. But He speaks to me out of who He knows I can be, not out of the track record of my past.
If we want to be people that make a difference, it has to start with us at home. We have to look to God to show us the example for positive, affirming parenting.
When we don't, and I know that I'm not the first one to make the mistake, I'm just being honest enough to admit to it, we create a wound in our kid's heart that the enemy will use against them forever. When they're passed by for a promotion, they'll think it's because they aren't worth it. When they lose a job, the enemy will remind them of the time that so and so told them they'd never amount to anything.
And they'll vow to live a life that seeks to prove everyone wrong, regardless of the pain it brings to themselves.
As a parent, don't beat yourself up for the mistakes you've made in the past. Place them at the foot of the Cross, and ask Jesus to repair the broken bridges that have happened over time. Lean into Him to show you how to get it right moving forward, and don't give the devil one inch to attack your parental identity or your family.
With Satan on the prowl to destroy families, he'll use any scheme imaginable. But remain steadfast in the truth, found in 1 John 3:8, that Jesus came to destroy the works of the devil - and that means even the barriers put into place preventing you from being the godly parent that you're capable of being.
So sneak in their rooms, kiss your kids on the forehead, and pray over them. Rest tonight knowing that you're forgiven, and arise in the morning ready to take advantage of the fresh start that the daylight will bring. You've got this because God's got you!