I'm alarmed by the number of marriages that seem to be sinking in the midst of a vast ocean full of ugly schemes and lurking temptations. Satan is at work, and his aim is to bring destruction in any way possible. He doesn't just stop with claiming an individual, but he also wants to sink his claws into the spouse as well as the children. And often, we're being led to our own demise without even recognizing it.
There are many factors that play into a successful marriage. No, I'm not some grand counselor - but what I am is a survivor. A marriage survivor.
For Jake and I, Satan started toying with us long before we ever met. Neither one of us was raised in a home that mirrored a committed, fully devoted, so in love kind of marriage. Instead, we were both products of broken homes - his literally, and mine figuratively. And because our family of origin was dysfunctional, you can guess that our marriage was doomed from the start.
Greg & Julie Gorman, authors of What I Wish My Mother Had Told Me About Marriage, shares this insight.
"We typically look at our family and decide either we want to be just like them or vow we'll never do things the way they did. These expectations, spoken or unspoken, become part of us."
I was raised in a home where sex was often referred to as a dirty thing. Jake came from a home where his dad had an affair, and took Jake with him. As a teen, I'd hear people talking in the halls about their sexual experiences and they seemed to enjoy them. Co-workers talked frequently about pornography, and even brought a few videos to work so I could borrow them. Working at a recycling center, Jake discovered porn magazines.
By the time we met at the age of 17, we were viewing porn and masturbating. Shortly after entering into a relationship at the age of 18, we became sexually active. And when we moved in together just a few short months later, viewing porn together became a regular occurrence. Buying into the hype that it was going to just continue to enhance our relationship, we had no plans of stopping anytime soon. Through time though, we realized that we didn't need each other for satisfaction. We could seek out porn, without having to wait for the other person to get home from work, and could release our own sexual tension. But it didn't stop there.
Eventually, Jake started seeking out people to chat with online and started down the road of an emotional affair. And before realizing how entangled he was, he found himself making plans to meet at a hotel to have an affair. Imagine my surprise when I received a message from a complete stranger outlining the depth of their relationship, their plans to meet, and the fact that he denied that he had a wife and kids. And just like that, our marriage changed. Though my daughter and son pleaded for him to stay, Jake had no choice but to leave. We were in over our heads, and he went too far.
But I didn't want to be a statistic. I didn't want my kids to join the increasing number of kids who were coming from a broken home. And though I was hurting so bad, the truth remained that I loved Jake. He had always been a good man, albeit this increasing-in-size porn problem. So after about a week, he returned home.
We rid our home of pornography, and I quit cold-turkey. But understand this, my problem continued but morphed into a sexual addiction. Feeling stressed, insignificant, or having any other self-defeating thought would cause me to pursue my husband. Which to many, they'd say "What's the big deal?" I wasn't pursuing my husband for the right reasons, I was using him for my selfish gain. I was convincing myself that I was perfect in this area, because I was staying faithful with my eyes and body to my husband. It wasn't healthy -- and I didn't realize that I was even doing this until YEARS later. That is not, at all, how God intended intimacy to be between a husband and wife.
Sex can bring comfort, but it shouldn't be sought after solely for comfort. It should be a celebration of the intimacy shared between husband and wife. It's the one place that no one else in your life can touch. And no one or nothing should be invited into that secret place. Some may argue with this statement, and that's okay because I'm confident enough in who I am and what I stand for -- this includes sex toys.
Trust me, they were welcomed into our life - and became the focus to reach euphoria. A husband and a wife was uniquely designed to bring pleasure to the other person. And without inviting outside objects into the marriage, creativity can abound. And if you're only striving for personal orgasm, you're self-centered. Instead, focus on the intimacy - the joining not only of the flesh, but of the soul, the emotions. Keep lights on, burn a candle, play soft music, set the mood. Look at one another, talk to one another, and learn to become satisfied with one another. Explore new things, as long as you're both in agreement. And don't let what you were taught to believe about sex dictate the experience that you can have.
Don't worry, if you're in the place that all of the extras are currently a reality in your relationship, God can heal those things. God can crush the walls that stand between you and your spouse, whether they are walls of dissatisfaction, walls of past sexual abuse or regretted choices. If you're open to God highlighting the areas of your own personal selfishness, He can and will restore intimacy to one of the most beautiful, sought after, things you've ever imagined.
Even a cold marriage bed can be made red hot when God's invited to take care over.
We had many other problems as well. I was raised by a stay at home mom, while my dad worked all of the time. And I hated it. So I vowed that I would work full-time so that my kids could see their dad daily. This resulted in me becoming a workaholic. Because I was earning more money than my husband, I felt entitled to not really lift a finger in the home. It had been my experience growing up that the one who worked more did less at home -- and again, it was not a good attitude to have. I poured my life into my job, and gave my husband and kids the remaining scraps - if any remained.
A husband and wife should be side by side in life - not with one feeling superior or inferior.
I no longer became one of Jake's priorities in life. The older our kids got, the more that Jake wanted to pour into their lives. Outside of work, you'd find him playing ball with the kids, riding bikes, making a homemade slip-n-slide, playing video games, and yes, even playing the occasional round of Pretty Pretty Princess with Emilie.
Last fall, we were in a couples group, and the one leader shared how her and her husband regularly make time for one another. At only a few weeks old, she left her newborn baby with her mom while her and her husband went someplace quiet to play a game of cards. Her reasoning about blew me away!
Your spouse is there first, and God willing, your spouse will be there long after the kids move away and start their own lives. If you neglect your husband or wife during the child-raising years, you'll wake up one day to realize the house is empty and you no longer really know the person who is lying beside you in bed.
That pierced me like a sword going straight through the heart. I realized that is exactly what had happened to my parents. My mom devoted her whole life to raising my sister and I, while my dad devoted his life to work. By the time I was nearing graduation, as I was the baby, my parents didn't have much of a relationship left anymore. They continued to live in the same house, occasionally eating dinner together or Christmas shopping together, but their relationship was markedly stale. And I realized I was fighting against that my whole life, vowing to never become like my parents. So, Jake and I talked about it. Interestingly enough, he admitted that he was pouring everything he had into our kids merely because he knew what it was like to be a pre-teen and have an absent dad. He wanted to ensure that his kids wouldn't know that pain.
Here we were, locked in a position - both being driven by the vows that we had made to ourselves as a result of our parents' decisions.
Thankfully we were both recognizing that we didn't want to remain products of a broken past. We wanted to get things right now, not only to help us find happiness but to ensure a life full of joy and contentment. We want to be an example that our kids can look to as they approach the age of dating.
It's really important to us that our kids realize that the Bible is spot on about what love is.
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." - 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
The biggest casualty of all is that people no longer fully comprehend what it means to love. Those who have been entrusted to love us often become the source of our pain. And why? Because hurt people tend to hurt people. They don't even realize that they are bleeding all over everyone in their path, because the wound has been there for so long that they don't even notice it anymore.
To love someone is to care about them above yourself. It's about sacrifice. Marriage is not a 50/50 proposition. Instead, it's an I'll give you 100% of me and you give me 100% of you. And yes, there are times when my 100% may only actually be about a 30% if I'm ill, injured, or recovering from surgery. The same holds true for Jake. But that doesn't mean that we're failing, it means that our love for the other person trumps the feelings of frustration that the world says should abound.
I'm married to a good man. No, I'm married to a great man. In his usual fashion though, the enemy tried to steal, kill, and destroy. He was sly, and would use anything - whether it be past vows that we made to ourselves, reminders of past pain, or tempting us that we had to prove everyone wrong and amount to something (and gloat in the process). But the kind of love that Jesus died to give me is a love that beckons me, even when I'm not perfect. It's a love that saw me in the middle of my personal messes, and saw that I was worth rescuing. The love of Jesus does not give up or go home, it's constant - when I deserve it and even when I don't.
So quit comparing your marriage to the one next door. You have no idea what they have had to go through. If people saw Jake and I together, I pray that they would see a couple who is so in love with one another, so thankful to be doing life together, and so proud of the other person. And unless they've read a blog or two of mine, or heard one of us speak, they'd honestly have no idea the war zones we fought through. Choosing to love was exactly that, a choice. One that I am so thankful that we made. Satan tried convincing us that our lives would be better without one another, but only because he saw the power that we'd have by uniting back to one another and to God -- and he was trembling with fear.
What will your choice be today? Will you choose your marriage, even if it means sacrificing yourself and choosing forgiveness? Will you fight, recognizing the traits passed down by your parents, and saying that those negative things will stop here and now within your marriage to set your children up for a lifetime of happiness?
I believe that all across the United States, students are back to school. Put those darling children to bed early tonight, grab a bowl of ice cream (or a carrot if you're a health fanatic) and spend some time with your spouse. A successful marriage is only possible through an open line of communication. Begin the conversation today! And before you conclude the day, hold hands (even if you're marriage has been rocky for awhile) and pray. Ask God to begin to work in both of your hearts, removing all self-centeredness. Ask Him to show you the areas where you're clinging too tightly out of fear and expectation, and ask Him to begin to change you, mold you, and grow you to be more like Him - especially in your marriage.
This isn't going to be a one and done thing. A restored marriage is going to take some work, devotion, and dedication. It's going to take humility and patience. It will require truth, but when the last barrier falls between both of you, you'll realize that the cracks in your foundation have been filled in, stabilization has occurred, and this is only the beginning to a wonderful life!
If you need someone to join you in prayer for your marriage, let us know. Send an email to sixthyearministries@gmail.com. If you're in the South Florida area and would like to meet with Jake and I, let us know! We'd be happy to sit down, listen to you and your spouse, offer you some advice, share our testimony, and pray for you.